Preface

A condensed version of Best Practices in Parenting – so you don't have to rummage through a ton of books for timeless parenting principles that still work.

I once heard a preacher say, "I used to have 7 principles on parenting and no children. Now, I have 7 kids and no principles. Admittedly, raising children has become one of the most daunting challenges in our time. There was a time when children could be left on their own, with minimum supervision, a few rules spelled out, no-holds barred disciplining, and they turn out just fine.

Today, the task of parenting faces a very different landscape almost altogether. We must not ignore this fact. Our lifestyles are very different from that of our parent's and our children are far more exposed to an army of influences.

With cable TV, the internet, MP3s and hand phones, a myriad of voices reach your children's ears by the minute, with no shortage of supply every single day. Your voice is now reduced to one of the many channels on Astro.

But while the world is a very different place than it was 10 years ago, the basic principles on parenting still apply, are relevant and are just as effective. Just because things have changed so drastically doesn't mean the good old principals don't apply anymore. Despite the barrage of external circumstances, the human condition has not changed in the last 5 thousand years of recorded history.

This blog - eventually book - is a tribute to all parents who are doing well in raising their children and to those who are struggling to cope. My heart goes out especially to those who have felt like failures in this area. You're not alone. We're here along side you to help you regain your strong footing. Victory is around the corner. So read on and be blessed...

Parenting and Conflict

While conflict between husband and wife is inevitable, always, and I say again; always keep your arguments away from your children. And if you're having repeated marital problems, then I'd recommend that you seek counseling from your religious leaders like your church pastors and also sign up for the Marriage Course - that has helped so many find the bliss in their marriage.

So before you end up tearing each other in front of the poor children, do set rules to confine arguments to a specific location within your house. Fighting in front of the children is arguably very damaging to their sense of security and happiness.

Another thing is to never negate your spouse in front of your children. You may feel that you have just right a wrong that your spouse did, or you may have been feeling defeated lately and want to elevate yourself by putting your spouse down. Instead, this inevitably dims your own credibility and authority. Children naturally see their parents as one. And when one negates the other openly, the authority will appear like it's tripping over its own foot. Children will then lose respect for one or both parents or inadvertently play the divide and conquer game – causing more and more rift between the parents. Always disagree in private and come across as one voice in front of the children.

Also, please never negate your spouse behind their backs. If mommy says no, you may be tempted to play the hero or saviour. While this brings an irresistible smile to their tiny little faces, it will wreak havoc in your marriage, and give them a chance to play the divide and rule game on you and your spouse.

Parenting and Pressure

Today, the task of parenting faces a very different landscape almost altogether. We must not ignore this fact. Our lifestyles are very different from that of our parent's and our children are far more exposed to an army of influences. Parents are busier than ever; being double-income and still squeezing time in to ferry their children through the maze of urbania to get the little ones to tuition, Chinese lessons, ballet, and the list goes on. Parents are indeed more conscious of and concerned with the pervasive competition that academia presents. It's in your face and almost impossible to ignore.

For mom's, if it's not the PTA (parents teacher's association) gatherings, then it's in the chit chats with the ladies where you find out that So and So's 7 year old finished reading all three volumes of the Lord of the Rings in just two weeks. Another mother complains to you that her son only got 7A's because the latest X-box got the better of him. And within the same gathering, you hear that So and So's husband, since his promotion last year, has bought her a new car and are taking the entire family to London for the coming holidays.

Just the afternoon before, the husband went enthusiastically to an "old-boys" gathering only to leave completely deflated. Apparently, business cards were exchanged during the catch up session and it became clear as the evening ensued that apart from him and the other fellow, most of them were holding senior positions in reputable companies, commanding no less than RM10k a month in salary.

I used to see this problem from a distance until my daughter's kindergarten graduation came. There were about 24 children in her class and four special awards were to be given at the graduation ceremony. As each award was announced, I waited anxiously for my daughter's name to be mentioned alongside. First, second, and finally the fourth award was presented and my daughter's name was not on that "special list."

Now, if you know me, I one of the most easy going bloke, quite "chin chai" about most things, but this one somehow got under my skin. All of a sudden, I felt really offended that my daughter wasn't on the list. A thousand thoughts must have raced across my mind, and I even remember having some crazy thoughts like, getting rid of the wife because it's all her fault, or opting to give my daughter up for adoption since she didn't make the top list... ok, i know, i know... I'm one of the few demented fools on planet earth... But the truth of the matter is that I was in anguish. It was a blow to my pride and ego.

Parenting vs Career/Business

A few years ago, I bought a book entitled "How to Win at Work and Home - Leading a Balanced Life." I read the first few pages and then placed it in my car and never read it again. As I was going out for lunch with some of my staff one day, one of them saw the book in my car and picked it up to read. Ironically, he read these words, "The first thing about finding balance between work and family is to make sure you're in a job that allows that." I chuckled.

"If you have not found a job that allowed you balanced time at work and family, then read no further and don't expect any breakthroughs," he continued. Strangely, that was in the first chapter, and I was sure I had read up till the 2nd chapter. Somehow it didn't ring a bell. Regardless, what I had read or heard my staff reading was like water off a ducks back. It just didn't click. Or so I thought...

I was working 16-hour days, every single day. I was holding a team together with some major accounts to handle, and work was so overwhelming, we'd start the day at 9.30 a.m. and wouldn't leave till 1 or 2 a.m. I hardly saw my children and if I did, it was for 15 - 30 minutes only, and then I was off to work. And even if I got home early, it would be 10 p.m. already and I would be utterly exhausted.

Fast forward, and almost 2 years later, something hit home and I woke up. I realized that I had been so blinded by my circumstances that I thought work was really all that...that work was life. I was missing the point....big time.

I had preached about living a balanced life for the longest time, but now found myself equally seduced by the carrots of corporate Malaysia. Despite my foolishness, I was fortunate that I had my wife to count on. Looking back, it was just unfair that I let her do all the work of raising our three children. Now, we're a team again, working hand in hand to raise the next generation.

I get heartbroken when parents - especially the ones who are already financially quite comfortable - continue in the pursuit of further riches while dumping their kids at the babysitter's. I have nothing nice to say about this. What bugs me is why these folks have children when they can't personally raise the poor kido? Is having children now more like a status symbol? A nice house, 2 very nice cars, a family vehicle, a big dog, a rich hubby, a trophy wife and adorable kids. We want everything but we don't appreciate them like we should.

My friends, your child is an eternal entity with tremendous potential, not some thing that you can chuck with the care taker or a number on your list of "wants". God has entrusted into your hands a precious life of a human being, tender and in much want of your affection, love and time by default. No wonder the social ills amongst the rich are getting worse by the day.

If your job takes you away often, into late hours or much travel, folks, I'm here to tell you that it ain't worth it. All your hard earned money will result in buying your children's love in the future or bailing your children out when they get into trouble. I've seen it again and again. Your children may be blessed with material wealth, but mentally and emotionally, they will be bankrupted.

Unfortunately, some parents will gleam over these words, and in the next beat, go back to their usual ways and continue with the neglect. And the worst part is that they will almost always live to regret the irreparable damage...

Parenting and the Spouse

You can't talk about parenting without talking first about your better half. After all, it was God's intention that man and wife ruled together. I'm not discounting parents who are divorced. But this chapter is dedicated to parents who are still together.

The Right Temperature – Love and Joy

The best way to love your kids is to love your wife, and vice versa. The foundation of your child's happiness largely hinges on the harmony between you and your spouse. So what if the child is happy? It's really simple. When a child is happy, he or she will have a higher tendency to do good. But when he or she has an underlying unhappiness, chances are that they will resort to doing wrong. Even as adults, we humans find it easy to do good when we're happy, and we're usually most happy when we feel loved and appreciated. This is why we change for the better when we become Christians. Because God's love swells within us and as a result, we become happy, and that happiness facilitates that propensity to do good. Unfortunately, the flip side of this truth also applies. Almost 86.4% of juvenile delinquents and 92.8% of hard core criminals come from broken homes. In 2005, a well celebrated judge, Judge Curran, who has 40 years experience in criminal law, said "the broken home" was at the root of much of the crime he saw.

Parenting and Time

There was a man who wanted the best steak in town, and so he made his order. "The finest, most exquisite steak please. I only believe in quality steak." And after nearly 15 minutes, the steak arrived. To the man's horror, the steak was only the size of a 50 cent coin. "But you asked for quality sir, and this is the best quality beef flown in all the way from Japan," quipped the waiter.

Quality without quantity is pure rubbish. But most of us throw out quantity time from the equation of parenting and think that we can get by solely with quality time.

We are a generation of the New Poor. We're rich in material wealth but poor with time. We're very transient in our approach. Our lives have become very compartmentalized, and undoubtedly, the compartments are becoming smaller and smaller. Quality present; quantity absent. And the smallest compartment of all is usually time with the children. We compensate this with long holidays in the middle and at the end of the year. Imagine starving for a few days and then gobbling it all down at a premium buffet. Do that several times a month and see what happens.

Even Christian parents who are God-fearing and serve God fervently find less and less time for their children. And when their children turn out wayward, they accuse the devil of attacking their families when the actual bug is 'neglect' and the 'lack of time spent'. Folks, we are reminded that if we do not provide for our families (and this includes affection, love, time together – apart from the physical basics), we are worst than unbelievers (1^st Tim 5:8).

Making and Keeping Time

We keep thinking to ourselves, "when I've done this and done that; when I've crossed this bridge and that, I will find the time."

Friends, don't be fooled. There is no slower day. Time with the children is here and now. We must make it a point to carved out of our weekly schedule a designated time with our spouse and children. And that time slot must be taken seriously and regarded as sacred. It must not be moved.

And I must warn you that you may need to try to make this work a few times over before it succeeds. The first impulse the moment more meetings come up is to jettison your "sacred time with your children." After all, they're too young to know...or are they. After all, I am going for meetings for their sakes, but do they really need me out there or in there with them?

Healthy Activities
I remember coming home one night feeling rather tired and ridden with guilt because I had not spend enough time with the children recently. I confided in my wife. I always missed the children when I was away or at the office, but when I got home, I was always too tired, or didn't know what to do. My wife surprised me with some amazingly simple and wise advise which I have hung on to and have found them so rewarding to both the children and myself. She said, "The best way to spend time with them is to do what they loved most." I've been practicing this ever since, and although it's not yet perfected, it's already giving me so much satisfaction as a dad.

Why not try outdoor activities with them. There is nothing like good times with the children surrounded by all of nature's offerings. Fresh air, sunshine and a lot of laughter congeals the family together.

And how about doing projects together? Building a dog house (instead of buying one), cleaning up the store room, washing the car (instead of letting the maid do) or visiting the old folks together will not only educate your child, but build their character.

Then there is also "makan" time. A family that eats together stays together. No television. Just good old mom's cooking (or "ta pau" or maid's cooking) and catching up for the day.

Also very importantly: do spend time every night reading stories and praying with our children. Being a Christian parent has wonderful privileges and that includes directing our children's devotion towards God. Because in the future when we are physically apart from them, they can still rely on God's provision and loving comfort; and when they are tempted to do something wrong, they are conscious that God is all-watching and ever near.

Parenting and "Pushing"

I've seen opposite ends and its effect when it comes to pushing their children to excel. On one end are parents who push and push until they get their way with the children. On the other end are parents who disapprove other parents who live their dreams through their children. And so they do just the exact opposite and adopt a nonchalant or 'chin chai' approach. They don't push or prod their children because they think it would only stifle their real aspirations.

Sociologist and family psychologist unanimously agree on their observation on these two approaches:

• the nonchalant parent will almost always end up with children who aspire for nothing in life, are nonchalant themselves, suffer from low self-esteem and do very poorly in grades and work.
  
• The overzealous parent will end up raising puppets and often very unhappy individuals who are not doing what they really want to do.

And then there are some of us, because of our own past traumas, feel that life is very harsh (and it is, at any rate) and we therefore make it our #1 preoccupation to spare our little ones from it. At the slightest sign of distress, we remove our children from the environment that caused that distress.

This tendency of ours is augmented by the things we absorb from our readings. Instead of letting facts free us, we allow them to imprison us and we become ruled by paranoia. Indeed, discretion is needed when we read books on parenting out there. Above all, wisdom from above must temper what we read or hear – even in reading this article. Unfortunately, our reactive approach of pulling our children out ever so often from every situation teaches them to run away from all of life's troubles rather than to face and overcome them. In effect, they become very "lembik", are unable to stay long in their jobs or relationships, and are paranoid themselves. Hardships are a part of life, and keeping them from any of it early on will only rob them of developing inner strength and an overcoming spirit.

Moderation is the key here. A little push, a little prod, a lot of encouragement and a lot of dialogue is the right mix. Don't live your dreams through your children. They have their own chapters to write and trails to blaze. Don't be apathetic either. They need you every step of the way for for some push, some guidance and direction. And don't protect them from hardships. What is true in the emotional is also true in the physical. Like our bones, our characters can only be strengthen when some pressure and stress are put onto it.

My second born, Lucas is a bit of a shy fella. When I asked him what lessons he wanted to take seeing that his sister was already in ballet, he said "badminton." Our joy was short lived the moment we walked into the training court. His coyness became worse and all he did was hide behind me. Week after week, we'd go for lessons only to see him cling on to me. My wife and I almost gave up. There were times when we encouraged him, and there were times when we threatened to stop taking him to the lessons. Some days, he didn't mind not going for lessons, and yet some days, he begged to go. We were simply dumbfounded. But we persisted. As long as he still had interest, we pushed him and we encouraged him.

Today, 3 months later, he looks forward to every Saturday morning. He's participating in every aspect of the training. He still drags me along to center court, but at least he's made great headway compared to watching from the sidelines. The most important thing is that he loves what he does and is getting better at it.

Disciplining Pt 1

The Gift of Pain

No one said it better than Dr. James Dobson on the issue of discipline. "If you don't discipline your child with love, someone else will discipline him/her without love," said Dobson. Think about it. If not you, then it will be the class teacher, the supervisor or worse, the discipline teacher; the police; and worst of all, the high court judge.

There have been numerous debates on whether to spank or not to spank, and even that conundrum has evolved into "to discipline or not to discipline." If you are a Christian and believe that God's word is infallible, then you don't really have a choice but to subscribe to the teaching of "not sparing the rod." But what about the children who've been whacked all their lives and still grow up to become hooligans? Is the rod old fashion and has it become irrelevant?

God will never tell us to do something that He Himself would never be willing to do. So if God has given us the mandate to use the rod, wouldn't He have used it on us, His children? Obviously, no one has received any form of physical "rotan" from above. What I believe the 'rod' represents here is the infliction of 'pain'.

Despite the advances made by mankind, we still bleed the same way we did 5 thousand years ago. Pain is pain. Although we immediately think of "pain" as something negative, there is a bright side to it. I believe that pain is a gift from God. It protects us from getting hurt further and it also works like an internal alarm that reminds us of pending danger. With no pain, children would jump off high tables and run into glass windows. That would be quite catastrophic wouldn't it? Essentially, pain exists to protect us, not hurt us. How ironic.

Pain can come in many forms and the definition of pain differs at different stages in life. As children, sitting in a corner is "painfully" boring. For teenagers, pimples on the face are a real pain. And for adults, a pay cut can equal unbearable pain.

Regardless, pain helps us take corrective action. It can also promote change. But pain must be given in the right measure, the right manner and the right mixture. Just like medicine; take too much and risk serious side effects. Too little and it has no effect. Moderation is the right key here. Case in point is the hooligans who got beatings all their lives. They obviously were beaten more than they deserved. They were never restored with love. They never had a good relationship with their parents. All the beatings in the world did them no good. Again folks, don't throw the baby out with the bath water. The rod works, but within the right conditions.

Much of my father's tool of pain was the rod. Looking back, I am eternally grateful for it and I credit his wisdom in using the rod in the right way to mould me to become the person that I am today. He did it in such a way it never aggravated me or my sister, but it did wonders to bring out remorse and a sincere desire to become better.

I am a first hand recipient of the physical rod and I will testify any day that it worked. If you think I didn't turn out so well, then trust me when I say that I could have been much worse if not for the "rotans."

For everyone's benefit, here's a practical and honest way on how my dad disciplined us:

1. First, he would warn us that the rod would be waiting for us at home if we misbehaved. Then if we still misbehaved, he would again remind us that the rod would now be waiting for us when we got home. And then he keeps really silent... which really added to the suspense. Talk about a pregnant pause. And parents: please understand that you must never play bluff. Children will sniff you out and take your warnings for granted. Back to my dad
2. Once we got home, he would tell us to go find the rotan (which I hid ever so often and despite my acute temporary amnesia, would somehow find it and deliver it like a good old Labrador).
3. Then face to face, he would ask us what wrong had we committed. Looking back, I can't help but appreciate my dad's wisdom in asking us that question. This is exactly what God did at the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve disobeyed God. Admitting to our faults as 'faults' was needed so that the lesson at hand could be internalized.
   
4. Next came the question if we deserved the punishment or not. Usually we said "no" until we were reminded that fair warning was given earlier on which we agreed upon. Then we'd appeal for a lighter sentence - which my dad would sometimes entertain.
   
5. At any rate, we were always made to stand up straight in total surrender, and the rod would go down onto our buttocks. And as I recall, some of the most painful ones were the softest whacks. Such remorse would fill my heart. Such regret.
6. Then we would be sent off to wash up and to go to bed. Then, in our beds, still having hiccups from our torrential outpouring, my dad would walk into the room and give us a hug. And he would say, "I really did not want to cane you, but what you did was wrong. Daddy loves you and that's why daddy must discipline you. And when daddy see you guys hurting, it hurts daddy more. The pain in daddy's heart stays on even after your physical pain has gone."

These words have been immortalized in my heart and today, my wife and I practice it on our children… and we can only say, it works…. It hurts, but it works! Hey, no pain, no gain.

Since we've established that the "rod" is not confined to only a physical rod, but essentially represents pain, you could administer other forms of "not sparing the rod." Different strokes for different folks (pun intended). Some of the best methods include removing of privileges (toy, car, Astro, video game, hand phone etc.), making them sit facing a corner on their "time-out' chair… and all the above is nothing without what we will quickly discuss next…. Consistency!

Disciplining Pt 2

The Value of Consistency and Immediacy

Another principle of disciplining is consistency. I've seen parents discipline their children only to see them get worse. And then they get scared thinking that disciplining will only make things worse. But you've got to remember that it is a game of the "wills;" yours and your child's. Our job as parents is to bring our children's wills into submission to our will, but without breaking their spirit. Conversely, let their wills run wild and you'll have many years of regret. Unbridled horses may seem beautiful running in the wild outdoors, but try riding one and expect only disaster. Unfortunately, it is easier to tame a wild horse then to manage an undisciplined child. Unless you want your child to roam free in the wilderness, where no rules and governance exist, then give up the consistent game plan.

Don't be fooled. Just because your child gets worse after the first five reprimands or disciplining, it doesn't mean it's not working. Remember the 'war of wills.' They'll usually put up a fight. But if you show them that you mean business and are not push-overs, they will eventually comply to your demands. Be consistent. Discipline until you see change. Remember! You're the boss. Children have short memories. They forget and move on. So your disciplining also must be repetitive and consistent. The moment you lack consistency, your child will sense it and know that you can be taken for a ride. Remember! Your children are very smart...just like you.

Consistency here also means, coherence. What daddy does, mommy must not undo. If daddy confiscates the PlayStation and hides it, mommy must not pretend she left the cupboard door open so that the little fella can see where daddy hid it.

By virtue of their short memory, your disciplining must also be immediate. If you leave it till tomorrow to punish them, they'd be wondering why they are being punished for something they did not do. Immediate reinforcement is important to help your child make the connection between the "pain" and the wrong.

Case-in-point: If only the human chest hurt immediately after a puff of cigarettes, most people would have given up smoking.

Your Children's Friends

At some point in your child's life - some earlier and some later - they are going to gravitate toward their friends and everything and anything they say or do will appear kosher.

And because we live the modern urban life, most of our children's friends will most probably come from homes with highly educated parents. Educated parents tend to be very opinionated and are more vocal, and so their children follow likewise. These vocal children in turn seem to be more materialistic since their parents are rarely at home – and materialistic compensations are an all-time favourite. So now your children's peers are vocal and materialistic. Guess what is going to happen? Your children conforming and having an increased materialistic appetite? Maybe! And you don't really want to lock them up either do you? You'd be accused of starting another ISA (Internal Securities Act - where the Malaysian government incarcerate, without fair trial, any persons they perceived as threat to national security or their egos).

Even when you perceive that your children's friends are a bad influnce, you can't literally lock your children up. It's simply not their fault. And it becomes worse if those naughty children are your friend's children who visit quite regularly. It would be really tiring if you had to keep making excuses that you're busy or not at home, and chances are, you'd have to live up to your lies, or your children will start thinking that it's okay to lie.

The best way out of this situation is to teach your children how to choose their friends. There'll be times, more often than not, when you simply can't be pysically near your children watching over their every move... and if you did, that would be scary. So the best way is to arm them with intuition and discretion. Empower them by making them understand that they have the gift of 'choice' and that every choice they make bears consequences, good and bad which will affect them and their loved ones.

Children need to know that they will become like the friends they chose to hang out with. When I was a kid, I hung out with some guys from my neighbourhood. I only did it because they ganged up on me and intimidated me. After a while, out of my desperate need for acceptance, I hung out with them and did what they did. And soon before I knew it, I was cussing and swearing just like they were...until my dad caught me one day. He taught me the power of choice and since then, I have been careful who I choose as friends - although I remain friendly with almost everyone.

Your Children's Self Esteem

The old maxim says that action speaks louder than words. And how true and timeless this is. Your child's self-esteem is dependent on your self-esteem manifested through your actions. Children imitate and emulate their parents during the founding years of their lives. This makes up about 80% of their core character and personality. But even when children move on to their teen years and then to their full grown adult years, they'll still need you to have a healthy self esteem more than they realize. The reason is because, you have always been a part of their identity since they were young impressionable tots.

There will be seasons if life when your self esteem will take a dip. Lost of job, post-pregnancy syndrome, divorce and undefined moods swings are among some of the causes that can lead to low self esteem. It is important to keep your family close to you, be open to them about your struggles and reassure them that they're still on your team and that together, you'll get out of this rut.

You can show that you're only human; and in fact you should. But don't reveal to your children that you're defeated. That would be devastating to them. You've got your spouse or best friends to rely on for that. So be strong and take courage. Exemplify the life of a conqueror. Find it in your heart, the desire to show your children that mommy or daddy can come up from under the dirt. Better still, demonstrate your dependence on God for His comfort and strength.

And then there is the issue of personality. Some of us are more on the shy side, but it is important that we manifest a confident posture when we are talking to our friends or acquaintance, especially when they have strong domineering characters.

Parenting and the Teacher

Whether it's the school teacher, the tuition teacher or the Sunday School teacher, at the end of the day, our children have only us as their parents. No more, and no less. Therefore, while the temptation to abdicate our responsibility to spend time, build character or administer discipline on our children is great, we must remember that the teaching folks are only effective if they complement what we as parents have done and NOT compensate what we as parents have not done. I'll always remember what Pastor Eddie, the Principal of the famed Children's Church at FGA told me. "When parents complain to me about how naughty their children are, I always ask them this question: Have you spent time praying and reading the bible with your children lately?" More often than not, the answer is "no." Sad to say, we tend to think that teachers can do what we have not done enough for our children.

Parenting and the World

Parenting is one of the most neglected topics of discussion. We talk about politics, the economy and education, but we seldom address the root of our children's success – our parenting skills. We spend a minimum of 15 years in school to learn about everything, but parenting. Parenting is arguably a major component, if not the most important component in the equation of nation building. The moral character, leadership skill, attitude of servitude, and integrity lay in the hands of parents the world over. History has shown again and again that when the cornerstone of families starts to deteriorate, it is a sure sign that the nation will crumble.

When ever I am asked to speak about parenting, I will start by saying, "Ordinary parents raise children, but great parents raise great parents." Nope, there is no typo here or slip of the pen. I mean exactly that. Think about it. Your children are eventual parents when they make it to adulthood. Whether they have biological children of their own, or adopt or mentor or hold positions in the corporate sector, or leadership in church, ministries, and government, they effectively operate as parents and effect the whole world around them.

My three years as a lecturer at a local college here has testified to me that our children are bankrupted. Underneath the veneer of material embellishments, like new cars and the latest hand phones and cool apparels, is a very hideous picture of desolation. It's not too late for you and your children. And it's within your power to make a change from the ground up, starting with your child.