Parenting and "Pushing"

I've seen opposite ends and its effect when it comes to pushing their children to excel. On one end are parents who push and push until they get their way with the children. On the other end are parents who disapprove other parents who live their dreams through their children. And so they do just the exact opposite and adopt a nonchalant or 'chin chai' approach. They don't push or prod their children because they think it would only stifle their real aspirations.

Sociologist and family psychologist unanimously agree on their observation on these two approaches:

• the nonchalant parent will almost always end up with children who aspire for nothing in life, are nonchalant themselves, suffer from low self-esteem and do very poorly in grades and work.
  
• The overzealous parent will end up raising puppets and often very unhappy individuals who are not doing what they really want to do.

And then there are some of us, because of our own past traumas, feel that life is very harsh (and it is, at any rate) and we therefore make it our #1 preoccupation to spare our little ones from it. At the slightest sign of distress, we remove our children from the environment that caused that distress.

This tendency of ours is augmented by the things we absorb from our readings. Instead of letting facts free us, we allow them to imprison us and we become ruled by paranoia. Indeed, discretion is needed when we read books on parenting out there. Above all, wisdom from above must temper what we read or hear – even in reading this article. Unfortunately, our reactive approach of pulling our children out ever so often from every situation teaches them to run away from all of life's troubles rather than to face and overcome them. In effect, they become very "lembik", are unable to stay long in their jobs or relationships, and are paranoid themselves. Hardships are a part of life, and keeping them from any of it early on will only rob them of developing inner strength and an overcoming spirit.

Moderation is the key here. A little push, a little prod, a lot of encouragement and a lot of dialogue is the right mix. Don't live your dreams through your children. They have their own chapters to write and trails to blaze. Don't be apathetic either. They need you every step of the way for for some push, some guidance and direction. And don't protect them from hardships. What is true in the emotional is also true in the physical. Like our bones, our characters can only be strengthen when some pressure and stress are put onto it.

My second born, Lucas is a bit of a shy fella. When I asked him what lessons he wanted to take seeing that his sister was already in ballet, he said "badminton." Our joy was short lived the moment we walked into the training court. His coyness became worse and all he did was hide behind me. Week after week, we'd go for lessons only to see him cling on to me. My wife and I almost gave up. There were times when we encouraged him, and there were times when we threatened to stop taking him to the lessons. Some days, he didn't mind not going for lessons, and yet some days, he begged to go. We were simply dumbfounded. But we persisted. As long as he still had interest, we pushed him and we encouraged him.

Today, 3 months later, he looks forward to every Saturday morning. He's participating in every aspect of the training. He still drags me along to center court, but at least he's made great headway compared to watching from the sidelines. The most important thing is that he loves what he does and is getting better at it.