Disciplining Pt 1

The Gift of Pain

No one said it better than Dr. James Dobson on the issue of discipline. "If you don't discipline your child with love, someone else will discipline him/her without love," said Dobson. Think about it. If not you, then it will be the class teacher, the supervisor or worse, the discipline teacher; the police; and worst of all, the high court judge.

There have been numerous debates on whether to spank or not to spank, and even that conundrum has evolved into "to discipline or not to discipline." If you are a Christian and believe that God's word is infallible, then you don't really have a choice but to subscribe to the teaching of "not sparing the rod." But what about the children who've been whacked all their lives and still grow up to become hooligans? Is the rod old fashion and has it become irrelevant?

God will never tell us to do something that He Himself would never be willing to do. So if God has given us the mandate to use the rod, wouldn't He have used it on us, His children? Obviously, no one has received any form of physical "rotan" from above. What I believe the 'rod' represents here is the infliction of 'pain'.

Despite the advances made by mankind, we still bleed the same way we did 5 thousand years ago. Pain is pain. Although we immediately think of "pain" as something negative, there is a bright side to it. I believe that pain is a gift from God. It protects us from getting hurt further and it also works like an internal alarm that reminds us of pending danger. With no pain, children would jump off high tables and run into glass windows. That would be quite catastrophic wouldn't it? Essentially, pain exists to protect us, not hurt us. How ironic.

Pain can come in many forms and the definition of pain differs at different stages in life. As children, sitting in a corner is "painfully" boring. For teenagers, pimples on the face are a real pain. And for adults, a pay cut can equal unbearable pain.

Regardless, pain helps us take corrective action. It can also promote change. But pain must be given in the right measure, the right manner and the right mixture. Just like medicine; take too much and risk serious side effects. Too little and it has no effect. Moderation is the right key here. Case in point is the hooligans who got beatings all their lives. They obviously were beaten more than they deserved. They were never restored with love. They never had a good relationship with their parents. All the beatings in the world did them no good. Again folks, don't throw the baby out with the bath water. The rod works, but within the right conditions.

Much of my father's tool of pain was the rod. Looking back, I am eternally grateful for it and I credit his wisdom in using the rod in the right way to mould me to become the person that I am today. He did it in such a way it never aggravated me or my sister, but it did wonders to bring out remorse and a sincere desire to become better.

I am a first hand recipient of the physical rod and I will testify any day that it worked. If you think I didn't turn out so well, then trust me when I say that I could have been much worse if not for the "rotans."

For everyone's benefit, here's a practical and honest way on how my dad disciplined us:

1. First, he would warn us that the rod would be waiting for us at home if we misbehaved. Then if we still misbehaved, he would again remind us that the rod would now be waiting for us when we got home. And then he keeps really silent... which really added to the suspense. Talk about a pregnant pause. And parents: please understand that you must never play bluff. Children will sniff you out and take your warnings for granted. Back to my dad
2. Once we got home, he would tell us to go find the rotan (which I hid ever so often and despite my acute temporary amnesia, would somehow find it and deliver it like a good old Labrador).
3. Then face to face, he would ask us what wrong had we committed. Looking back, I can't help but appreciate my dad's wisdom in asking us that question. This is exactly what God did at the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve disobeyed God. Admitting to our faults as 'faults' was needed so that the lesson at hand could be internalized.
   
4. Next came the question if we deserved the punishment or not. Usually we said "no" until we were reminded that fair warning was given earlier on which we agreed upon. Then we'd appeal for a lighter sentence - which my dad would sometimes entertain.
   
5. At any rate, we were always made to stand up straight in total surrender, and the rod would go down onto our buttocks. And as I recall, some of the most painful ones were the softest whacks. Such remorse would fill my heart. Such regret.
6. Then we would be sent off to wash up and to go to bed. Then, in our beds, still having hiccups from our torrential outpouring, my dad would walk into the room and give us a hug. And he would say, "I really did not want to cane you, but what you did was wrong. Daddy loves you and that's why daddy must discipline you. And when daddy see you guys hurting, it hurts daddy more. The pain in daddy's heart stays on even after your physical pain has gone."

These words have been immortalized in my heart and today, my wife and I practice it on our children… and we can only say, it works…. It hurts, but it works! Hey, no pain, no gain.

Since we've established that the "rod" is not confined to only a physical rod, but essentially represents pain, you could administer other forms of "not sparing the rod." Different strokes for different folks (pun intended). Some of the best methods include removing of privileges (toy, car, Astro, video game, hand phone etc.), making them sit facing a corner on their "time-out' chair… and all the above is nothing without what we will quickly discuss next…. Consistency!